Friday, October 15, 2004

A Loser Picking the Winners, Week 6

Before I get to the disaster that was week 5, let me share a quick story. As I was leaving work the other day, I almost got blindsided by two runaway segways. And in case you're not sure, a segway is that goofy contraption pictured above that looks like someone stuck some handlebars through a skateboard with oversized wheels, and slapped on a motor just to make sure there's always a chance of serious injury when you get on or near one of those things. Since when did it become legal to ride motorized shopping carts on the sidewalk at 40 mph? And I could see if these glorified scooters were used to transport the elderly or persons with physical disabilities, but these two perpetrators were yuppies!

Segways are an awful invention, and whoever's responsible for thinking them up should be drawn and quartered -- but instead of using horses, they should use segways. That way, no one will be mortally wounded; instead, having four segways tug simultaneously (and repeatedly) on their arms and legs at 5 mph would just be extremely annoying.

And another thing, what kind of jerk thinks to himself, "Man, I could really use one of those segways. Not just because I'm extremely lazy, but it'll also give me the opportunity to try and hit unsuspecting pedestrians."

What's really weird, other than dopes thinking it's OK to drive their mini-cars on the sidewalk, is that these segways just started popping up. I know they've been out for a couple of years, but it seems like I've seen more in the last month that I've seen in the previous year. What's going on, are they on sale? Are guys trying to move the 2004s to make room for the new models? Can you imagine being the guy who sells used segways? How awful must that job be (here's the sales pitch: "what am I going to have to do get you on a segway today?")?

Either way, people who ride segways should be ashamed and embarrassed. Ashamed because they're intentionally endangering the lives of others. Embarrassed because they're too lazy to walk like the rest of us. The only way I would ride a segway was if I could also wear a paper bag over my head. Can you imagine the field day your buddies would have if they saw you roll up to the bar on one of those things? Anything short of being stoned to death would be considered a victory. OK, enough with that nonsense.

Well, last week I was 6-8 and the Dolphins (predictably) screwed things up for me (well, them and the seven other teams that didn't cover). Still, it's pretty incredible that after five weeks, I'm still above .500, and more importantly, I'm up an imaginary $170. I'll take it -- especially given that I was almost killed by a segway. Anyway, here are the week 6 picks:

Season: 38 - 33 - 3
Last week: 6 - 8
Earnings to date: $170

Week 1 picks
Week 2 picks
Week 3 picks
Week 4 picks
Week 5 picks