Jerramy ... With Two "R's"

Well, it took until Wednesday, but Joey Porter found his huckleberry, and his name is Jerramy Stevens. You can read all the details here, but the short story can be captured in two quotes. Stevens, Seattle's tight end, had this to say about A Very Special Jerome Bettis Homecoming Story: "It's a heartwarming story and all that, but it will be a sad day when he leaves without that trophy".

And Porter responded with, "I've been asleep all week but now I got woke up ... I've got my first taste of blood and now I'm thirsty for more."

And the rest, as they say, is on like Donkey Kong. Honestly, this is about as benign as it gets when it comes to trash-talking. You can't fault Stevens for implying that he thinks his team will win, but the fact that he made his point while also Rodney Harrisoning Jerome Bettis was the catalyst for Peezy's mini-outburst.

[Yep, "Rodney Harrisoning" is a verb, and it is defined as being "disrespected in the worst way possible -- like if somebody peed on you (against your will, of course)".]

Personally, I think this is hilarious. For starters, after Stevens makes his initial comments, he goes on to drag his teammate, Walter Jones, into the proceedings. Kinda like West Side Story without all the singing and dancing. Well, without all the singing, anyway.

"He had a huge game in the AFC championship game coming off the edge on the blitz," Stevens said of Porter. "I don't think he is going to have such an easy day against Walt, though."

You know, Stevens is probably right, but he comes of sounding, I don't know ... what's the word for it? Oh, right, thank you Mr. Porter:

"He's too soft to say something like that," Porter said. "He's going to have the opportunity to back up his words. I'm going to have the opportunity to back up my words. So it's something I'm looking forward to and I'm ready to get going."

Now, as I was sa-- What? What's that? Oh, you have more? Then by all means:

Porter also called Stevens "a first-round bust who barely made some plays this season." He also said a player of Stevens' stature "has a lot of nerve" to say what he said about Bettis.

[...]

"When a guy says something who lines up in front of me on every play, I have to like that," Porter said. "He has to see me. There's no way he can hide from me. We have to meet -- over and over and over. ... I'll remind him every time I put him on his back."

When this is the story of Super Bowl week, you know it's a slow news day. And I love it. I love Porter getting himself all jacked up for the game, Lattimer-style, especially at the expense of Jerramy Stevens (who's definitely Joe Kane-lying-in-the-middle-of-the-road in this scenario). And after Porter kicks his ass up and down the field Sunday, Stevens will then have to explain to Walter Jones why he sullied his good name during that Wednesday press conference that single-handedly ended the Seahawks' season.

Maybe I'm overstating it a bit (OK, a lot) and I really have no idea what will happen Sunday, but for the first time in a week and a half, I'm getting a little nervous thinking about this game. To this point it's basically been a lot of hurry up and waiting, and I guess Peezy got tired of waiting. Fine by me. Unlike his comments prior to the Indy game, which pretty much left me thinking he was on crack during that interview, his little diatribe yesterday does a couple of things, and they're both positive.

First, because things have been so mind numbingly boring this week, Porter created his own bulletin board material, and better yet, he spun it in such a way that Stevens looks like he's attacking the Bus. And the Steelers have no choice but to rally around their mascot.

Second, it might give the defense a little extra incentive to take Stevens out of his game. And right now you might be asking, "Who the hell is Jerramy Stevens that Pittsburgh needs to take him out of his game?" Well, he's a big, sure-handed target who's basically Matt Hasselbeck's second favorite receiving target. I have a hunch that Shawn Alexander won't do much against this defense (and yes, it's just a hunch, but I also had a hunch that JM J. Bullock would blow up after "Too Close for Comfort" and look how that ended up), and that means it will come down to Hasselbeck, Darrell Jackson, and Bobby Engram. I'll take it.

And after reading this, I'm more sure than ever that one of two things will happen before the game: (a) Stevens will crap his britches and miss the first quarter searching through the equipment room for an extra pair of game pants, or (b) Porter will let the dogs out and they will attack Stevens (and here "dogs" is a euphemism for "Tyrone Carter" and "they will attack" is a euphemism for "eat").

(OK, quick Tyrone Carter timeout. The other day, Tim asked this very important question:

Ryan as a huge Steelers fan I have a question. If Tyrone Carter was cloned and was forced to fight himself, who would win and what impact might this have on the universe as a whole?

Annan Imus gives the right answer, but whenever I'm faced with any philosophical Tyrone Carter questions, I always consult the Top Ten Tyrone Carter Facts. Close your eyes and pick one. You'll always be right. And for the record, these are two of my favorites:

*If you ask Tyrone Carter what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds 'til." After you ask, "Two seconds 'til what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the face.

*Tyrone Carter drives an ice cream truck covered in human skulls.)

Anyway, back on Earth, these quotes from Peezy explains a lot:

"I'll be out there, getting myself warmed up, saying something like, 'Who you looking at? You see something over here you like?' And then if the other guy says something slick back, there goes my huckleberry -- I got him. That's the guy I'm going to target for the whole game."

[...]

"You can't talk back to me if you don't play," Porter said. "If I'm jawing with somebody else and you're running off to go on the punt team and you've got something to say to me, I'm going to say, 'Don't talk to me, you're not a starter. You need to be doing something to have something to say.' I don't even give those guys one-liners."

There's a movie in here somewhere.

***
OK, nobody commented on the "Keep on keepin' on" quote I dropped yesterday, so I'll talk about it again today. I don't know if anybody watched Tuesday's Media Day on the NFL Network but it was watching-paint-dry-boring. Unless, of course, you fast-forwarded to the 18:23 point in the telecast (you can watch it here). Then you got to see this little exchange:

Kara Henderson: "Keep on keepin' on" -- I heard that was your phrase that you like to use because you're a movie buff and that comes from what movie?

Clark Haggans: Joe Dirt. Joe Dirt ... actually one of my other teammates, that's his favorite movie of all time -- Clint Kreiwaldt, the special teams captain -- he loves Joe Dirt and that's one of his quotes. He always says, "Keep on keepin' on", so that's what we tried to do this year.

That's right. Joe Dirt helped get the Steelers to the Super Bowl. Your bad. I still have a whole crapload of stuff to get to, and I'll do that tomorrow, which, by the way, will be the last Loser Picking Winners of the year. Well, at least in an official capacity, anyway. Until then huckleberries.