Monday, September 13, 2004

Kordell Boller

Wow. The self-proclaimed best team on the planet with the best cornerback in the universe (Deion Sanders not Chris McAlister) lost to a team that was conservatively predicted to win four games in most preseason publications (Of course I don't know if we can really call these "predictions," but for the purpose of this post we'll assume that these magazines actually know what they're talking about every once in a while. Oh yeah, the Ravens never proclaimed that they 'were the best team on the planet,' but it makes the story a little more intriguing).

Not only that, but the one guy they really need to have a strong season offensively (other than Jamal Lewis) was summarily offensive. Kordell Kyle Boller threw for 191 yards with two picks and a fumble. But to be fair, he had about as much time in the pocket as a typical Tommy Maddox pass play in 2003. Boller was hurried, rushed, knocked down, and sacked -- and his demeanor did nothing to reassure his teammates that he was able to handle the pressure. Instead he looked very much like the rookie quarterback who struggled mightily last season.

Adding insult to injury, the new outside threat, Kevin Johnson (5 receptions for 43 yards) was outshown by some guy name Ernest Wilford. What's that? The name Wilford doesn't sound familiar to you. Well on draft day the Ravens sent a fourth round pick to Jacksonville for Kevin Johnson and the Jaguars subsequently used that pick to take Wilford, a 6'4" wideout from Virginia Tech. Oh yeah, he also caught the winning TD pass from Leftwich yesterday in the final seconds against the Bills.

Of course it's probably worth saying that given all the pressure Boller was under and his penchant for inaccurate throws, I'm not sure Jerry Rice, Cliff Branch and Mark Duper would have made a difference yesterday. And what's interesting is that all those picking the Ravens to repeat were sure this defense could carry this offense. And the thing is, the defense played pretty well yesterday (Ok, they gave up two big pass plays, but other than that, they were serviceable), but they were overcome not by the Browns offense, but by the Browns offense in addition to their own.

I'd love to hear the phone conversation Kyle Boller and Tara Reid had after the game. I'm guessing it probably went something like this:

Boller: Hi Tara, this is Kyle...Kyle Boller your boyfriend. Did you see the game?

Reid: Yeah. I don't know much about football but are you supposed to always throw the ball out of bounds? Is that good?

Boller: Well, um, it's a little more complicated than that. I'm actually supposed to keep the ball inbounds and try to throw it to guys on my team. The best is when I throw it in the endzone and we score.

Reid: I didn't see you do that yesterday. Maybe I missed it -- I had to take a call from Carson Daly and then Tom Brady. They both called to ask me why I was dating a "B-list" athlete. Are you a "B-list" athlete? If I'd known that, I don't know if I would have let it go this far. I mean seriously, I'm a Hollywood actress! People think highly of me! And I can't have someone escorting me to all these dopey MTV awards shows if they're no better than Kordell Stewart. In fact, Carson said he heard when you played at Cal that people would sometimes call you Kyle Toilet-Boller. I'm not the smartest person in the world, but I don't think that's a compliment.

Boller: You have to understand, a lot of what happened yesterday wasn't my fault. Our line did a poor job of blocking and our receivers ran the wrong route!

Reid: What are you talking about? I never heard Tom make excuses. Listen, get your act together or I'm going to give Ken Dorsey a call. At least he acts tough. Consider this a warning -- you've got one week. The Steelers won six games last season, if you can't beat them then we're finished!

Boller: Hello? Hmm. I must have a bad connection.
Of course, if the Ravens smoke the Steelers next week, this won't be quite so funny. But hey, I'll cross that bridge when I get to it -- and that still doesn't change the fact that Boller stunk yesterday.

PS. Yeah, I know Boller & Reid allegedly broke up in July, but it wouldn't have been quite as interesting to have Boller talking to Kordell about his crappy day -- and asking Kordell how he dealt with his crappy performances all these years. On second thought, maybe that would have been good, but still not nearly as good as Tara Reid.