Monday, November 28, 2005

Blah Blah Blah

Is there anything worse than pulling for the Ravens? Seriously, watching Baltimore implode against Cincy while grudgingly wanting them to win was almost as horrifyingly painful as witnessing Tommy Maddox try and orchestrate a game-winning drive. To say the Ravens crapped the bed would be an understatement along the lines of Brian Billick has a mullet, or Chad Johnson's gameday teeth are kinda shiny.

After the first half, when I think it was something like 50-0, I remember thinking that this was the Perfect Storm of bad Ravens football. Boller was especially awful. If he's usually Boller-Lite, this was Boller-Extra Bitter -- at least if you actually like pulling for Baltimore. When he wasn't falling down untouched, he was Tommy Maddox-ing on pass attempts (A "Tommy Maddox" on pass attempts is when you go to throw the ball and it inexplicably slips out of your hand for a fumble ... usually recovered by the other team, but not always). And just to remove all doubt about his suckiness, he threw one of the worst interceptions (he had two for the day) maybe in the history of football (and I'm including all levels ... and intramurals). That was one half of the Perfect Storm.

The other half rested with the Baltimore defense. I know they had players injured (who doesn't at this point in the season?), but I don't think I've ever seen a unit collectively quit during the middle of a game (before halftime, in fact). At one point I thought that the secondary just decided that if a Bengals receiver didn't fall down on his own after catching a pass, then he earned the right to keep on running ... right into the end zone.

(As a very long aside, let me state here, for the record, that I hate almost all reality television. That said, I would love to see a reality show on the Baltimore Ravens. Maybe 10 dorks can compete for the right to play free safety -- or better yet, play one series at QB during a preseason game [with the explicit understanding that if things go above-average -- they don't even have to go well -- the winner gets a chance to win the regular season job; and I don't mean like Anthony Wright got a "chance"; I mean a legitimate shot at playing QB. As I think about it, maybe this is how Boller won the job in the first place].

Another option could be to let the "winner" be Billick's apprentice. How funny would that be. I would've paid a lot of money to have been wearing a headset during yesterday's debacle. Seriously, at what point does Billick just say, "I give up. We're down 34-0, my starting QB probably has a learning disability -- he's definitely suffering from ADD -- and we have two guys in the secondary who are a combined 74-years-old ... How have I not been fired yet.")

Long story short: pulling for the Ravens sucks. Especially when this is the same team that manhandled the Steelers Maddox last week.

Eric points us to Mr. Bouchette, he of the circular reasoning:
ed bouchette argues in the sunday post gazette that the steelers should switch to artificial turf. he cites the fact that heinz field was ranked 6th worst playing surface by a players survey. towards the end of the article he shows the 5 lower rated fields.... and the top 3 are artificial surfaces! good god.
It's razor sharp insight like this that will always give me something to make fun of. Personally, I prefer grass, but I'd also prefer if Pitt and every high school in western PA played somewhere else. And -- like this is any consolation -- the field is still a lot better than it was during the 2002 season, when the team basically played the last half of the season on mud spray painted green. (And yes, that's why Plax's yard-after-catch were so low -- he kept falling down because of the mud.)

Last week, my buddy Desmond sent me this gem (titled, "A Turkey Day edition of truths) from Jason Whitlock (and yes, it took all I had not to type, "Craplock," or worse).
1. Don't be surprised if the Pittsburgh Steelers lose their next three games -- at Indy, Cincinnati, Chicago -- and miss the playoffs. Pittsburgh's defense can be had, and the Steelers' offense -- no matter who is at quarterback -- just doesn't score enough.
To be fair, he's written much, much (much, much) worse stuff than this. In fact, maybe he's right, but what I find particularly amusing, is that in going through the column, each successive "truth" gets shorter and shorter. It's as if, I don't know, Whitlock was tapping out this piece (using his dialing wand, of course) while in close proximity to somebody fixin' up a turkey. After about 10 minutes of this conversation with himself -- "C'mon! Focus on your column. You can stuff your face for the rest of the weekend if you can just come up with 200 more words -- and they don't even have to make sense. Ah, screw it. I'm hungry" -- he just mailed in the last three "truths" and got down to what he seemingly does best. That said, I disagree with all 19 words he scribbled as he made his way to the kitchen to stuff his face.

UNC's season has officially started (it may surprise you to learn that the Heels are already 3-0 -- with wins over such powerhouses as Gardner-Webb and Cleveland State), but their first big matchup comes this Tuesday night against Illinois. I'd be lying if I said this season will be as smooth as last 2004-05, but there are three things that keep me going: 1) The Tar Heels are National Champs; 2) Next year's recruiting class is the best in the country; and 3) Adam Boone and Brian Morrison aren't walking through that door (thank god). Anyway, here's a funny quote from perennial sixth man (or maybe seventh or eighth, depending on the year) Byron Sanders after he matched his career high of nine points (and put the Heels over the century mark for the game) against Gardner-Webb:
"I didn't know it would be a career high," Sanders said of his moment at the foul line. "I thought people were just cheering for the biscuit [the Bojangles' discount when the team scores 100 points]."
Your bad.