Why Millar Will Win AL MVP

OK, I don't really think Kevin Millar will win the American League MVP. But this might be the only place you see something that ridiculous in print. Plus, with Spring Training underway, I thought I'd take this opportunity to talk about some things that will most assuredly happen before the season starts.

...Trot Nixon, Curt Schilling and every other Red Sox player except Millar will call out A-Rod for no clear reason. CHECK

...David Wells will go on the DL sometime in the next few weeks and the injury will be simply listed as "obesity."



...Kevin Millar will get a Queer Eye Makeover marking the moment when both the Boston Red Sox and Queer Eye for the Straight Guy jumped the shark.



Coincidentally, this is the first time in television history that a single event (Millar, in this case) leads to simultaneous shark-jumping.

And as long as I'm on the subject of Queer Eye makeovers, I hope Kyan Douglas has a plan for helping Millar shed the 20+ pounds he packed on during the 10-week offseason. Luckily, I don't think Millar is in danger of being accused of taking steroids -- unless of course, beer bellies are the result of localized steroid use to the abdomen.

And while this whole makeover thing is pretty ridiculous -- even for Millar -- at least he's doing it for the right reasons.

"They wanted to shave my head. I said no," Millar said yesterday. "I told them they could do something to my face, my toes, my nails, my wardrobe. But more so, we're going to make over the field."

...[In addition to the makeover] Millar will help with the restoration of a hurricane-destroyed Florida Little League field...

So I guess I can live with the frosted mullet if it means he's actually going to help out some kids who lost their little league field to the hurricanes. As much as I complain about Millar, I'm sure I'll end up watching his appearance on Queer Eye. And at least I'll be comforted by the fact that he shouldn't make any errors to cost the Red Sox the game during this telecast.

***
Back on earth, the Steelers locked up linebacker Larry Foote for five years and $13.4 million dollars (with a $3.25 million signing bonus) yesterday, and this means the Kendrell Bell has probably played his last game in Pittsburgh. Some people aren't super-excited by the signing, but I'm fine with it. Maybe the Steelers overpaid a little, but it's better than overpaying a lot with Bell and then watching him either battle injuries, or play as a two-down linebacker. And while Foote is undersized, he seems to have a knack for making plays near the line of scrimmage and he's solid in coverage (something Bell never really got comfortable with). Plus with the emergence of James Harrison, losing Kendrell isn't really that big of a deal.

Now, with the extra 400 dollars in savings from not re-signing Kendrell Bell, the Steelers should have no trouble convincing Plaxico to return to the Steelers (well, at least until some team offers him a $12 million bonus -- which I put the over/under at six hours from the start of the free agency signing period). Of course if Roethlisberger is serious about keeping Plax, maybe he can pull a Manny Ramirez and offer some of his salary to keep him in Pittsburgh (long silence followed by sound of footsteps running away ... fast ... followed by door slamming). Just a thought.