Tuesday, January 15, 2008

Philip Rivers Is Will Ferrell Without the Athleticism

We're all Chargers fans this week. May not want to be, but we don't have much choice. That's fine, though; Philip Rivers is loathsome, but in a weirdly harmless way. He has all of Tom Brady's obnoxious personal affectations without any of the on-field qualities. Basically, Rivers is an insufferable cheerleader who moonlights as the guy responsible for giving the ball to LaDainian Tomlinson. I can root for him if it means putting a "1" before the asterisk on the Patriots' record.

The potential long-term problem, of course, is that if the Chargers somehow manage to fool the gods and beat the Pats, and then beat the Packers (there won't be two miracles this weekend), Rivers will be intolerable. Not only that, but we'd have to read about how the Chargers were right to let Drew Brees walk and draft Manning-for-Rivers (and Merriman and Kaeding) with the first overall pick. And then, invariably, that would lead to some dope writing that because Rivers and Big Ben have the same number of Super Bowl rings, both are great quarterbacks.

I grudgingly admit that Tom Brady is, without a doubt, a first-ballot Hall of Famer, and he has engineered more comebacks in the postseason than most quarterbacks will in their career. That I can hate him while still acknowledging his greatness proves, well, it proves that I still think he's an a-hole ... but at least he's earned the right for me to think that.

I've just spent three paragraphs creating a scenario that has absolutely no chance in hell, in this universe or any other one. This is what happens when the Steelers are out of the postseason conversation and your playoff-viewing experience exists solely to find the team to hate less. And then convince yourself that you could live with them winning the Super Bowl.

(It bears mentioning that I actually like Brett Favre, head coach Mike McCarthy seems like a decent fellow, and Ryan Grant's a good story. I'd have no problem with the Packers winning it all.)

Whatever, here's the bottom line: New England has two games to go and I don't see them losing. I can't envision a situation -- short of Brady getting "Kimo-ed" -- where the Chargers can pull this off. Not without Drew Brees and Monty Beisel, anyway. Unless Billy Volek gets the start.

Mike mentioned in the previous thread that the national media guys are all over the Romo-Simpson-Cabo meme even though anybody with an IQ over 75 knows that going to Mexico had jackshit to do with the Cowboys crapping the bed on Sunday.

(I know I've mentioned Romo-Simpson-Cabo a few times at FanHouse, but in my defense, I'm on record as saying the getaway would have no bearing on the game. I primarily used it as an opportunity to make fun of the whole situation. That counts, right?)

I actually thought Tony Romo was adequate against the Giants. He took some Roethlisberger-esque 15-yard sacks, but he also had about as much time in the pocket as Big Ben on a typical seven-step drop. I'm not making excuses for the guy, but I just don't know how him spending a couple of days south of the border last week caused his offensive line to forget how to block. Either way, he's 0-2 in the playoffs. And worse, he's still dating Jessica Simpson.