Wednesday, January 04, 2006

I'll Take the Zero

I was all set to give T.J. Whosyourdaddy the business. After the Dec. 4 game at Heinz Field, T.J., walking off the field and back to the locker room, sat in the tunnel and cleaned his shoes with the terrible towel. At the time, I really didn't care, and now, almost a month later, I care even less. I mean, if you don't want some dude in Ronald McDonald action wear disrespecting The Towel, don't commit 12 turnovers and forget how to tackle on special teams. I bring all this up because I think the whole "bulletin board material" angle is kinda dopey, but with not a whole lot going on in the middle of the week, I was willing to talk about it.

Well, you and I both are in luck. I found this accidentally hilarious article on your good friend and mine, Brian Billick. The headline reads, "Owner orders Billick to make changes." Right away you know how this is going to turn out. The one-time uber-obnoxious, pompous a-hole has had to eat a whole crap load of humble pie, admit that Kyle Boller is a trainwreck, and basically do a Earl Hickey and right all the people he's wronged over the years (and I don't know if this list includes Trent Dilfer, but it sure as hell should.)

Anyway, is this a job worth keeping? Seriously. Currently, there are 7 or 8 head coaching jobs opening up, and you'd be hard-pressed to convince me that an unemployed Billick would have much trouble getting at least one of them. As it stands, Billick's still in Baltimore, but had to listen to his owner say stuff like:
Flanked by Billick and general manager Ozzie Newsome during a news conference on Tuesday, Bisciotti said, "We have a Super Bowl-winning coach here who never experienced anything but overachievement from the very first time he stepped in here. This is the first year that I think that Brian underachieved. I think the Ravens underachieved, but this is not a trend."


"It's not in our best interest going forward to sit here and anoint Kyle Boller as the starter," Billick said. "Competition is good."

Bisciotti wouldn't detail all the changes he asked Billick to undergo, but hinted that showing less arrogance, taking a tougher stance with the players and altering the punchless offense was very much a part of the equation.

Before telling the players last week that Billick would be retained, Bisciotti made sure the coach was willing to act upon suggestions from the owner, Newsome and others within the organization.

"We thought a new and improved Brian Billick was the best chance for the Baltimore Ravens," Bisciotti said, "and Brian thought that the changes we were asking him to make were not significant enough" for him to seek employment elsewhere.
Geez. Why not just go ahead and admit that you caught Billick trying on women's clothing. I pray that somebody got all this on video. As much as reality TV sucks, the "Brian Billick Experience" could single-handedly save a network. Plus, all the exposure might actually pave the way for Kyle Boller to make the logical jump to MTV VJ after he's summarily cut from the Ravens.

By the way, has there ever been a more egregious example of somebody throwing somebody else under the bus to save his own ass? Does anybody else find it at all peculiar that Billick (by all accounts the president and charter member of the Kyle Boller fan club) has suddenly changed his tune on his QB of the future, not after witnessing two-and-a-half horrific seasons of Boller ball, but after a 45-minute meeting with the boss?

The good news (well, at least if your name isn't Kyle Boller) is that the 2006 Ravens should be really fun to watch. It'll be kinda like 2005, but without Billick acting like a complete jerk during his television appearances. My guess is that if this team starts off anything like it did this season, Billick's head will explode during one of his post-game press conferences, probably sometime around Week 5. So look out for that.

I didn't dislike Prisuta's NCAA-NFL playoffs column as much as David, but I do have one problem with it (anybody want to take a guess?). Yep, that's right, no way are the Patriots the Tar Heels. For starters, here's what Prisuta writes:
"New England (North Carolina) - The Pats' Bill Belichick has proven more adept at hanging banners than either Dean Smith or Roy Williams."
That doesn't even make sense. That's like writing:
"Traci Lords (Angelina Jolie) - Lords has proven more adept at sleeping with a lot more people (and videotaping it) than Jolie."
Yeah, their both actresses (hey, Melrose counts), but that's where the similarities stop. That said, I have no idea who the Pats are, or which NFL team might be the Tar Heels. David thinks the Steelers are the Wildcats, and honestly, that's OK by me. Just as long is it's the 1996 Wildcats and not the 1992 "Christian Laettner donkey-punched us right out of the tournament on maybe the most ridiculous play in the history of sports" Wildcats.