Monday, March 14, 2005

Diff'rent Strokes, Fast Times & New Jack City

Uh, when did Arnold Jackson start playing basketball? And why did he decide to make his television comeback against the Tarheels? (and as long as I'm asking ridiculous questions, when did Willis Jackson start playing point guard at Georgia Tech too? Compare this to this, and you be the judge) Anyway, Will Bynum went nuts Saturday scoring 35 points (35? Are you serious?) and he did all this while being, um, decidedly undersized. Or as the News & Observer's Caulton Tudor put it:
"...Will Bynum, a guy barely tall enough to keep his uniform pants above his ankles."
And even though Rashad McCants played in his second consecutive game after being diagnosed with some intestinal virus, UNC still struggled defensively in both games. The only thing worse than watching the Georgia Tech game Saturday was following the Clemson game using CBS's gametracker since I was um, at work. For all the great things about technological advancements, the gametracker idea might be one of the worst.

First of all, Carolina was down virtually the whole game. And it's a million times more frustrating "watching" UNC play like crap via gametracker than it is really watching them on television. Here's a typical few trips down the court if you're using gametracker:
CLEMSON: Shawan Robinson makes a 3-pointer.

UNC: David Noel dribbles the ball off his toe out of bounds. Turnover to Clemson.

CLEMSON: Shawan Robinson makes a 3-pointer.

UNC: Sean May dribbles the ball off his knee out of bounds. Turnover to Clemson.

CLEMSON: Shawan Robinson makes a 3-pointer.

UNC: Melvin Scott trips over untied shoe laces and falls out of bounds. Turnover to Clemson.
Well, you get the idea. It's a lot easier to yell at Melvin Scott when I can actually see him (here's another take on the Clemson game that I completely agree with). In the future I'll take a pass on gametracker and either opt for the FBI-style radio earpiece, or I'll just quit my job so I can watch the game.

Of course not all is lost since UNC got a #1 seed in the NCAA's and will get to play the Oakland/Alabama A&M play-in winner on Friday. And I'll also be pulling for my new second-favorite team, Delaware State, next week too.

OK, I've said before that I don't watch a lot of the NBA, but you really don't have to know much to appreciate this quote from Doug Christie's wife (who's apparently the self-appointed spokesperson for her dopey husband):
"Doug is distraught," wife Jackie Christie said to a Sacramento Bee columnist. "He's still not over the trade and it's not even the basketball part of it. It's the feel of Sacramento, the fans, the community ... we have that farewell video that the Kings gave us before we left and I'll find him sitting there watching it and he gets all choked up. I'll tell him, 'Doug, you have to stop.' But everything was so special there."
I always thought Doug Christie was kind of weird -- you know, pointing to his wife in the stands every time he made a basket, and acting like what I suspect an alien visitor might if he was sent to earth to study humans while trying to pass himself off as one. But I had no idea how far gone he was (I mean, if he's actually not an alien). Honestly, why didn't his wife just take pictures of him crying himself to sleep while watching his farewell video and give those to the Sacramento Bee to run alongside the article? Would it have been anymore incriminating that this quote? Man, this is weird.

BUSINESSMAN: You bet there's a problem! Your employee used profanity and threatened me with violence! I'm shocked, frankly. I've eaten here many times and I've always enjoyed the service -- until today!
This is a line from one of my favorite movies. I mention it here because I got a similar email from one of my buddies lambasting me for talking about Plaxico Burress when the Red Sox season is upon us. To be fair, this quote really has nothing to do with the email -- in fact, it really has nothing to do with nothing; I quote it here because I couldn't find a sensible way to squeeze it into a post, and everytime I read it I laugh. So there you go.

Anyway, if I'm going to talk about the Red Sox, I might as well start with the self-appointed team spokesman (who later in the week will also appoint himself team captain), Curt Schilling. Apparently, all his mugging for the camera has actually gotten him in a bit of a pickle. Specifically, the old codgers on Capitol Hill subpoened him last week to testify about steroid abuse in Major League Baseball. What's funny is that Schilling will be testifying before the House Government Reform Committee with the likes of Jose Canseco, Mark McGwire, Jason Giambi, Rafael Palmeiro, Sammy Sosa, and Frank Thomas. What's peculiar is that Schilling has never been mentioned as a player who used steroids while Barry "Pumpkin Head" Bonds gets linked to the drug more often than Nino Brown in "New Jack City," and he didn't even make the Congressional Hearing guest list (Bonds not Brown).

But it gets funnier:
"I'm still real confused as to why I've been put in this group and why there are other players that aren't in this group," Schilling said. "I think the people they're calling should have reasons for being there. I think most of them, other than Frank and I, do. There are people that aren't there that belong there."
Somewhere in the New York metropolitan area, Randy Johnson is having a good chuckle. If I had to go out on a really thick limb and take a guess as to why Schilling got called to the principal's office, I figure it has something to do with the fact that he can't seem to keep his yap shut long enough to keep his foot out of there. Either that or there's some truth to the rumor that A-Rod placed an anonymous phone call to his Congressman and mentioned that he saw Schilling exchanging bottles of the "cream" and the "clear" with Bonds at the All-Star game. Either way, it's really funny.